How…

More over, why do people feel the need to ruin other peoples friendships? Someone who was gone for a while then pops back in and trouble seems to start. During the time they were gone, there was no drama. Now all of a sudden DRAMA is back.

I tend to know why, because they want certain people as their friends and no one else’s. Well, sadly it worked. They manipulated someone close to me enough so that somehow they got the person to believe their BS. They look for those who are in a confused place and strike. I actually feel bad for them as well, must be a sad place they are in and a sad way to live.

What sucks, is the person who now has blocked me from her life was someone I adored. Someone I felt was a part of my family. I think it hurts the most because she did not call me and talk to me, just deleted me out of her life after almost 11 years of friendship for someone who just popped back in. I have had friends come and go. But, this one hurts.

She knows who she is, and she knows I will always be here for her. I truly hope she reads this, I truly hope she looks inside herself and realizes the truth. You can call me anytime, I am here.

I am sorry I allowed the toxic one back in my life. I really thought she might have grown up. I was wrong.

As with all…

Blessings and Hope!

You want real…

I’m pissy, bitchy, and full of negative energy today. Everything and everyone is irritating me in some way. Some, it is all them. Some , it is all me. I have no patience at all today for ignorance or even the tiniest bit of ’stupidity’! I have so much to do it seems, but can never find the time or the energy to get it all done. I was always a ‘if it can be done then do it now’ kind of girl. So, now not being able to just do it anymore highly irritates me. I look at those around me and wonder why they cannot just get up and get it done. If I was well, I would. So, why the hell don’t they??

I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will. I am pissed off and mad at myself for not being able to do the things myself. Sadly, I project it on to those around me. I know it is wrong to do so, but it hurts too damn much to know it is my fault it is not getting done. The fucking disease that has taken me from me and from my family and is continuing to take. The greedy MonSter that wants my soul.

Every day it steals more of my life from me. DON’T tell me it could be worse!! It is going to get worse. It’s progressive and I am sick to death of people saying such an asinine thing to someone with a chronic [any] chronic disease. Until you walk, err roll a mile in my chair then please just shut up!!! This is ‘my’ worse. When you make such a hurtful statement like that to someone you downplay their pain. If you have a cold, allergies etc then yes, quit whining as it could be worse and your problem is going to go away. Chronic illness’ do not go away. And most times they progress for the person. So, until you have a clue of what you speak…do not speak!!

This has been eating me up for so many years. I had someone tell me once that it was all in my head. [a relative, not on my side] For once, she was right, well sort of. It is actually on the nerves on my brain and spine, but some are in my ‘head’. If I was the type to put my family on egg shells, I probably would have punched her in the mouth. But, you can’t help ignorance I guess. So I just kind of laughed and looked away. It took all my energy not to scream!

Every day I feel bad. Every day I have fatigue. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I get weaker. Every day I cannot walk. Every day I have pain. Every day I cry. Then…I get up, I put on my mask for those around me, I smile through my pain, I laugh at my shakes, I make jokes about my incontinence, I lend an ear to anyone who needs, I am strong for my kids, I tell my husband I’m ok. Then when the night-time comes, I sit in the silence, the only light from my bff, my Mac. I cry in silence for what has been lost, I cry in silence for the wife and mommy that has slowly been taken from my family, I cry for what is yet to come…I cry.

Blessings and Hope

 

Blank

We see at all the networking sites ‘What’s your status’ etc. Have you ever felt like putting ‘blank’?

I have had all kinds of things going on in my mind and all ready to blog them, then BAM nothing. I log in here get ready to blog and wooosh the thought go flying out like a birdie from it’s nest. Just flutters away.

Last night I could not sleep. So many things rattling around in my head. I felt like a bingo ball roller. I had all kinds of ideas to blog about today. Then sleep came and thoughts all gone. Usually, I will get up and write down the ideas on paper and then decipher them in the morning. But, last night it was so late and I was afraid I would wake someone up. I can remember bits and pieces of my thoughts, but they come out like a horror movie all over the place. My dreams can be very creepy due to some of the medications I have to take. I try to remember them so I can write them down, but somehow they are gone.

So, I wonder, if above all of our heads when we sleep is a ‘thought’ taker. A lil cloud that consumes your thoughts and dreams and teases you like a an older sibling. Putting it close to you, then snatching it away with an evil grin taunting you. You keep reaching for it an it gets pulled further and further from you. You strain to grasp it, but it always just out of reach.

So, one day, I purchased a voice recorder to ’save’ my thoughts when I get them, but then realized, “Like that’s not gonna wake up the house?” For the daytime it’s great, but most of my thoughts and ideas come to me at night when the house is still and dark. The only lights are from my Mac screen and lit keyboard. It is then I can close my eyes and really hear myself. The occasional car passes outside with a hum of the tires on the road. Every now and then one of my furbabies makes a lil groan. Letting momma know they are there. Peaceful at last…

Maybe, in not having a thought and feeling blank, I found a thought and am no longer blank. Satisfaction!

Blessings and hope!

Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween. I can be anyone I want to be. I am able to dress like the ‘witch’ I am. lol

This was me last year. I’l be doing the same this year as I love my Witches hat. lol I am hoping to get better pics this year as my dress is awesome! There is a cool corset involved as well. All handmade from here:

LoriAnn Costume Designs

Shelby just got up the lights and ‘Bones’ our door skeleton. He is so cute!

We filled up my Cauldron with candy and have all my candles ready to light for tonight.

I am the hottest Wheel-chariot Witch around I tell you! lol

Dad will take the kids out to get pillow cases full of candy. [most will be taken to his work] lol

 

I hope you all [who celebrate] have a happy and safe All Hallows Eve!!

Blessings and hope!

Quote fun…

 

Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen,Voices whisper in the trees, “Tonight is Halloween!”

- – - Dexter Kozen

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

 

 

Why? Rambling…

Why is it that when talking politics or religion, some revert to name calling or attacking another’s character if they disagree with them?

Ok, we know why. They have nothing better to say and/or no back up for their argument. Names such as; Czar, Hitler, Nazi, or comments like this; confuse a liberal…..use FACTS AND LOGIC !!!!!!!!!!! ~~~ Really???

I mean, do our brains do a time warp back to elementary school? Do they really think they look and/or sound ‘intelligent’ when speaking this way?

I think they do, or why would they use name calling as their ‘defense’!?

Just thinking aloud…

Blessings and hope!

Coping…

We see ourselves with these illness’. We try to come to terms with it/them. Eventually we learn to live with it. But what about our children? How do they learn to live with it, or even understand it? Should they ‘get it’ by a certain age? Should they learn to deal with it?

Yesterday was one of those dayz I was reminded, yet again, about my dis-ease! Ashley had a spaghetti dinner to go to for band. Roger had forgotten something at work and headed back home. I told him just stay home. What a waste to drive back (60 miles) again. He said ok he would. So, I told Ashley that dad was staying home. She got very excited and said that way he could drive her to the dinner. [I prefer not driving and do not drive at night anymore] When dad got home he said he had to go back as they were really busy right now. I was a bit irritated as I had told Ash he would drive her.

Well, when she got home and I told her what happened, she lost it. It was all my fault, now how could she go, she told them she was going to be there, why can’t I be like other moms, good moms drive and take their kids places, it’s my fault she never gets to go anywhere cause i’m an ms freak, etc, etc, etc. These are things I already feel about me daily. They have lost out on so many things thanks to my MS. But, it is not my fault!! I told her to call and maybe a friend’s mom could take her with them. She said NO, that is so embarrassing, no one needs to know about me being sick. blah blah blah. The girl that was going to take her was doing something else, and now thanks to me, she would miss this.

I sat there for a while, listening to her, quietly crying. I cannot imagine having a mom sick. I remember being embarrassed by my parents at times in  my teenage years. It happens. I cannot imagine how hard it is having a mom in a wheelchair. So, I let them vent, let them yell, etc. They have all had their ‘moments’ of frustration towards me. I let them get it out. Does it hurt to very core of my being? YES! But, I cannot stress over it too much or I will get myself sick, literally. So, again, I let them vent.

My anger, is towards the disease that has taken me from my family piece by piece. Now, she did get punished for this once she got it all out. Even though I understand their own frustrations, there is never a time for blatant disrespect! I think as someone with a chronic illness we have to ALWAYS remember, it affects all around us as well. That’s not to say my heart does not break, but so does theirs.

So, how do we cope and help those around us to cope? After 12+ years I should be a pro at this, but not so much!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Faith?

Something happened today and I felt the need to express some feelings I have regarding my faith, actually the loss of my faith. It is me, live! lol

The pictures are of wallpapers from the net and some of my home and animals. Hope you like!

Fabulous Vegas – finale

By now you are probably sick to death of my Vegas time. lol So here is the finale. [at last]

After charging my chariot and getting about an hour or so of rest, I could no longer sit still. Called Lu and she was at the Mall in the Planet Hollywood Hotel area. She headed back and I met her in the Paris lobby. When we got outside there was a bus getting ready to load and no way through the sidewalk area for me. We figured there would be a ramp by the stairs, no such luck. So we went back by the bus and figured we would have to wait until they got loaded to get through. A young man, who most might have looked at with ‘hoodlum’ tag, looked over and asked if we needed to get on the bus. We told him no we need to get by on the sidewalk. He was adorable, he moved the crowd out of our way to let us through. Never judge a book by its cover. He had the best smile ever. We did all the ty’s and yw’s and headed to the light to cross the driveway.

We got to the people mover escalators and kind of wondered how to go up. I have never been up a moving ramp before. lol There was one not moving but it had a rope crossing it. Just then a young man opened the rope and let us go up. It was a bit steep and i was a tad nervous going up. Lu was behind me making sure I did not tip. Lucky for her I didn’t Then, OMG, Heaven!! The mall…

Poor Lu had to stop to every shoe store with me. lol I so wanted a pair of square toe chunky heeled boots. Unfortunately my ankles and drop foot issue + a bit of swelling made getting the dang boots on quite difficult. But, she was such a sport and went along with me. Kelly and Cynthia called and we met up with them. We checked a couple more shoes stores, lol then decided it was time for a drink!! Woo Hoo! We went to Fat Tuesdays and wow the cups they had! lol Lu and I got these HUGE cups of lava flows and then she and Kelly had a couple jello shots. Cynthia and Kelly got lil small girly drinks. lol

Kelly, Cynthia and Lu. See our biggee cups! lol The lava flow tasted nothing like the one I had in hawaii years ago, so Kelly took it up to the nice guy and he dumped it and refilled it with a pina colada for FREE!! lol So cool of him! We finally realized we needed food. lol So we went into Planet Hollywood and found an awesome sandwich shop. Must remember the name! They had the best sandwiches around. Rog finally found us, and he got some dinner as well. Cyn and Kel went back to their hotels and Lu, Rog and I went and did a couple slots then back into the mall. Rog hung for a few then I guess shopping wasn’t his thing! lol I got the kids some Vegas t-shirts and stuff. My damn chair was not fully charged as stupid me so excited did not let it charge enough. So we figured we had better head back. [only time i remembered i was in the chair as it hindered my time, dang thing] Going back down the ramp was a fun experience. Was waiting to go flying down. Lu held on the back to make sure it didn’t! lol

We finally got back to the Paris, got Laurie up and we met in the bar area. Kelly, after winning at the slots, came on over as well. We had our martinis. Sadly we were too late for the two for one martinis. lol We hung out for a bit and then Laurie had to go back up as she was leaving early in the morning. Pics and hugzzz all around. Then Lu headed up to her room as well. Kelly and I went and played slots until almost 3am. Kelly won a couple more times too. Lucky. Then up we went.

I woke up around 8am, making poor Rog get up as well. I wanted to spend a lil time with Lu, Cyn, and Kel before we had to head home. We had room service breakfast. Oh mercy…I had vanilla bean French toast and cappuccino. I was in heaven. Rog was shocked as i had already gotten ready to go. lol Cynthia came over and up to our room and we hung out for a few, then went downstairs to meet Lu and Kel for coffee and what not. Rog got the van all packed and ready and let me hang with the girls. He really is a ‘gem’! Love you Rog!!  The girls were staying until Tuesday. Lu and Cyn were going to a convention for packaging for their shops.

It was quite hard to say goodbye for me. We all hugged and took a few more pics. Then it was time. Rog and i headed back up to the room, did the checkout and went to the parking for the van. Once we got in the van the tears rolled some. I did not want the weekend to end. I am so hoping that this becomes a yearly thing or even every other. The women are truly fabulous! This will be something I remember and cherish forever!! Thanks to all the fabulous ladies that have made my life even more full!

Blessings and Hope!!

Fabulous Vegas Day two – part 2

The late Champagne brunch was Fabulous. The only thing missing was Esther. She was lying out at her hotel and was injured. It seems someone forgot to tighten down the large umbrellas. It was a very windy day and one flew from its bas and crashed into her foot sending her to the ER. So she spent most of the day there. We missed her terribly and I am hoping that she is healing up well.

We all ate way too much! The buffet was amazing. They had everything you can imagine to eat. Roger and my paleo ‘diet’ went out the window on this Vegas weekend. But oh mercy it was sooooo very worth it. Being with these fabulous ladies is so easy. It’s like we all knew each other already. There was no stress, no ‘first’ meeting jitters, just like at the dinner the night before. After we all stuffed our faces we headed in different directions. Yana was going back to her hotel for her hubbies ongoing birthday bash. Kelly and Cynthia were going to head over to see if they could see Esther. Laurie was heading up to her room to get some much needed sleep. Roger and I went back up to the room so I could change and meet Lu by the pool. So, off we all went.

Lu and I went down to the pool. It was a perfect day. It was a bit windy and the sun was shining down, but it was not too hot to bear. We were going to get a couple pina coladas, but OMG they wanted 12.00 for a small glass. Forget about it! lol I rolled all around the pool are and took lots of piccies. It was very peaceful and relaxing.

We decided to head up to our rooms and get a lil rest before heading out for the night. I needed to charge my wheel-chariot and change and re-charge as well. So we said cya later at the elevators and went up. I got to my room and Rog was watching some news show. He said he tried to get some sleep but couldn’t. Awwwwww. lol At this point I had no clue what we were going to do that night. I plugged in my chair and kicked back on the bed with the hubz. I was so amped I could barely sit still. Was getting annoyed that my chair was not charging fast enough. I could not believe the energy i had this weekend. It was an amazing friend rush I’m thinking.

BBL with the nights shopping festivities!

Blessings and Hope!